January 18, 2018

There are so many things that are on my mind right now, and I don't know how to express them to others. I don't really talk that much about what I think about things, and sometimes I don't even know how to express them through my writing. I tend to shut people out, and not talk about how I feel until I get so upset that I snap or start crying. I put up a lot of walls around myself because I try to protect myself from getting hurt by someone around me. That doesn't help very much, because I still end up getting hurt, either because I overthink things or because someone does something that hurts my feelings and I don't say anything about it. I don't really like to confront people about the things that they do unless it is something that is truly bothering me and has a big negative impact on myself or someone that I care a lot about. I know that this attitude is not good, nor is it healthy for me to bottle up my emotions the way that I do. But I don't know how to change the way that I handle this situation. My parents, especially my dad, and my other loved ones realize that I do this a lot, and they are gracious enough to not push me to share how I feel until I am ready to, or unless it is something that is very important and could impact my health and well being. Nothing much is really going on today, but I just thought that I should make another journal entry to share what is on my mind. I think that writing down the things that go through my head, and that I feel comfortable putting into words, might not just be able to help me, but those who read this blog as well. I am off of work until Monday at 5, and I am so excited about having a four day weekend. I am looking forward to our group run on Monday morning, partly because that is pretty much the only time I have been able to see some of my friends from High Sierra in person. Rachel Davis' birthday is today, and the group planned a breakfast for her this morning. But because I am not covered under my parents' insurance right now, I couldn't drive out there to see her, and that made me really sad because I really wanted to be there to celebrate her awesomeness with the rest of the group. They are also planning an event for tonight and on going skating with her on Saturday, and I don't think that I'll be able to go to either one of those events. Hopefully, we'll be able to get insurance back soon so that I can begin driving again. I think that my dad is planning on trying to get GM to buy the Cruze, which is the car that I use, back from us. I don't know what is going to happen next or how it's going to work, but I would still like to lease or buy my own car, so that way I can still pay my parents for insurance, but they only have to make one car payment a month. But the more that I think about it, the more that I realize that I will have to just be thankful for whatever happens. If I have to take the train and bus everywhere, that's fine with me. I actually really enjoy taking the train and bus to places; it's relaxing because I don't have to worry about dealing with traffic since I'm not the one who is driving. I just have to make sure that I am on time to the stop or to the station, because it can take a long time for the next bus or train to come by. That can get stressful if you have to be somewhere by a certain time, but that's why I always try to leave early to make sure that I won't miss it. I always double and triple check when my bus or train is supposed to leave, and then try to leave 15-30 minutes ahead of time, just to make sure that I won't be late even if I run into some traffic.

January 17, 2018

I have really been enjoying my temp job at the Fontana Library. I like being able to be working around the books all day, and my coworkers are awesome so far. I am just kind of bummed that it's not a temp to hire position. I would have to take the test and fill out the application, and I missed the date that we were supposed to take it. I meant to take the test on that Saturday that they were offering it, but I completely forgot about it until the day of. I am also enjoying training for the 5K that I plan on doing with two of my friends from High Sierra. I plan on doing a run tomorrow morning. I never thought that I would say this, but I am actually beginning to enjoy running. Not only is it good exercise, but it gives me time to myself to think about some of the things that are going on in my life in this moment. Now I am starting to see it as relaxing, whereas I was only seeing it as work before now. I think that High Sierra has changed the way that I think about running. When I took my fit for life class, I never thought that I would receive as much love and support from my professor and my classmates as I did. They pushed me to do my best every single time that we ran; and Jake even came back one time in order to help push me to finish strong. I am truly grateful for them being willing to be patient with me and never give up on me, even when I wanted to give up on myself. High Sierra is where I ran my first 5K, and fell in love with running. Burns, my fit for life and Plenary professor signed me up as a surprise, since most of the rest of the cohort was running the half marathon in Fresno, and Burns' husband JK was running the full marathon. I was also very grateful to JK, because he was one of the ones that were encouraging me to continue training, even after we left High Sierra. I honestly really miss being up there. I want to go back up to spend another semester there, because it was so peaceful and quiet. It was a much slower pace than down here in Los Angeles. The only thing that is holding me back right now is finances. The semester is a good $2-3,000 more expensive than what I pay on main campus. That is why I had to take this semester off; I still owe $4,619 from last semester. If I were to go back, I would probably go back in the spring, so that I would have all summer to pay off whatever debt that I may owe. But I think that taking this semester off will be good for me because it will give me time to reflect on my life and what I need and want to do right now. I know for a fact that I am going to go back to school; it's just a matter of whether I go back for the Summer 2 session or whether I have to wait until the Fall. If I wait until the Fall, I would be graduating a semester later, which is fine as long as I can get my degree. I am going to pay as much as I can each month, and hopefully I will be able to register for classes in March at the earliest, and May at the latest. I am just looking forward to getting back into the routine of going to school, because right now I miss it a lot. Even though I am working, I still feel as though I'm not being as productive as I would like to be. I have had a lot of days off because of the holiday, and that has not helped matters at all. But I am getting paid well, and I got a lot of hours in last week. With JM Staffing, we get paid every week, and that has made it easier for me to be able to pay the bills that I have.

January 15, 2018

I came back from High Sierra on the 14th of December. I really enjoyed my time up there so much, and I really miss the atmosphere that surrounded us up there. There are so many people that made the experiences I had and the memories that I made very special. I miss being able to hang out with them everyday all day. They all made everything more entertaining, and for that I am very grateful. When we first got up to the campus in Bass Lake, I was not very happy. I was five hours away from the home I had known for the past 8 years, my family, and all of my friends. I only knew one person up there, and I tend to be very shy, so I wasn't sure how I would be able to make new friends with only 20 other people there. But, much to my surprise, after Trek 3, I began to feel more at home. I became a lot closer with the people that were on my trek team, and from there I began to open up more to others as the semester went on. Now I am kind of sad that I can't be with them on campus everyday, since I am taking a semester off due to financial situations. But I am hoping that I will be able to make it back for the Summer 2 session or for Fall. If I were to wait and go back in the Fall, I would be graduating a semester later than I would like, but that's okay. As long as I am able to get my degree and get a job that I can survive off of with it, I'm okay. I don't know what has been going on with me lately, but I have been feeling kind of depressed and sad lately. I have just been trying to figure out how I am going to pay all of the bills that I have with the limited amount of income that I have. I have moments that I am okay, and then there are moments that I get really stressed out. I have honestly thought about suicide a few times, but I know that I would never be able to actually at on it. There would honestly be no point to it, but even though I know that my life isn't that bad, I still get this way and have these thoughts for some odd reason. I don't know if it's one of the side affects of the allergy medicine that I take, or one of the signs of mental illness that runs on both sides of my family. Other than that, I have been doing great. I can't drive the car right now because we found out that I am not covered under my parent's insurance, and we are trying to find a good quote for me to be added on to it. Plus, I am looking into either buying or leasing a car of my own, just in case my parents have to get rid of the one that I use. So I have to think about how much that would cost me per month, the payments that I have to make toward my tuition, my cell phone bill, and helping my parents with bills around the house when I can. Not to mention the everyday essentials that I need to buy, and the fact that I need to buy a new pair of sneakers for a 5K and a 10K that I plan on running with a group of friends in March and in April. I am also kind of sad because I feel like a lot of my family and friends are in relationships, and I am still single. I sometimes feel like I will never be in a relationship, and I don't know why.

April 3, 2017

I can't believe it: we only have one month of school left!!!! It's still so surreal to me that I am almost done with my freshman year of college. Everything is going well so far, except for the C that I currently have in my English class. Hopefully I will be able to get that grade up to at least a B- by the end of the semester. I am going to be doing a Study Away program next semester in High Sierra. The campus is located in Bass Lake, California (northern California). I am so excited to be able to go into the mountains for three months to complete my studies. This will give me a chance to get away from the city, and completely focus on my schoolwork instead of worrying about all of the other things that are going on right now. I'm trying to get some more service credit hours, so I plan on going to the Dream Center in Los Angeles next week. I was planning on going on the 29th as well, but the plans that I had for last weekend got pushed back to the 29th, so I won't be going then. I will probably get some more hours while I am up in High Sierra though, so it should be fine. I am also trying to get an internship at Monster over the summer. My brother in law works there and said that he would be able to get me in. The only thing is, I would have to drive to Corona everyday to get to work. The 91 freeway is almost always busy, so it might take me a long time both to get to and from work everyday. I also got a gym membership at Chuze Fitness two weeks ago. I love working out there because it is always clean and quiet. Out of all of the times I have gone so far, it has never been really crowded. During the week I do cardio and weights, and on Saturdays I go swimming and then go to the Sauna/Steam room. I really think I am going to enjoy working out consistently now. The other thing that I am still working on changing is my diet. I eat more healthy things than I used to, but I would really like to eat a lot better still. I will get there eventually though. My main goal right now is to try and lose 10 pounds. I know that if I am consistent and keep working on it, I will be able to reach my goal.

February 20, 2017

I am 2 months into my second semester of college. It's crazy to think that I am almost done with my freshman year already. It feels like I was just in high school yesterday. It's been a really fun, and sometimes stressful, journey. I am looking forward to continuing my college experience though. I have a solid group of friends that I know I can always talk to and hang out with if I need to vent, or if I simply need to take a break from my studies. I applied to do a study away program in High Sierra, which takes place in Bass Lake, California. I should hear back from them on whether I got in or not next week. If I get in, I am really looking forward to being able to go up into the mountains near Yosemite and complete my studies up there.