January 18, 2018

There are so many things that are on my mind right now, and I don't know how to express them to others. I don't really talk that much about what I think about things, and sometimes I don't even know how to express them through my writing. I tend to shut people out, and not talk about how I feel until I get so upset that I snap or start crying. I put up a lot of walls around myself because I try to protect myself from getting hurt by someone around me. That doesn't help very much, because I still end up getting hurt, either because I overthink things or because someone does something that hurts my feelings and I don't say anything about it. I don't really like to confront people about the things that they do unless it is something that is truly bothering me and has a big negative impact on myself or someone that I care a lot about. I know that this attitude is not good, nor is it healthy for me to bottle up my emotions the way that I do. But I don't know how to change the way that I handle this situation. My parents, especially my dad, and my other loved ones realize that I do this a lot, and they are gracious enough to not push me to share how I feel until I am ready to, or unless it is something that is very important and could impact my health and well being. Nothing much is really going on today, but I just thought that I should make another journal entry to share what is on my mind. I think that writing down the things that go through my head, and that I feel comfortable putting into words, might not just be able to help me, but those who read this blog as well. I am off of work until Monday at 5, and I am so excited about having a four day weekend. I am looking forward to our group run on Monday morning, partly because that is pretty much the only time I have been able to see some of my friends from High Sierra in person. Rachel Davis' birthday is today, and the group planned a breakfast for her this morning. But because I am not covered under my parents' insurance right now, I couldn't drive out there to see her, and that made me really sad because I really wanted to be there to celebrate her awesomeness with the rest of the group. They are also planning an event for tonight and on going skating with her on Saturday, and I don't think that I'll be able to go to either one of those events. Hopefully, we'll be able to get insurance back soon so that I can begin driving again. I think that my dad is planning on trying to get GM to buy the Cruze, which is the car that I use, back from us. I don't know what is going to happen next or how it's going to work, but I would still like to lease or buy my own car, so that way I can still pay my parents for insurance, but they only have to make one car payment a month. But the more that I think about it, the more that I realize that I will have to just be thankful for whatever happens. If I have to take the train and bus everywhere, that's fine with me. I actually really enjoy taking the train and bus to places; it's relaxing because I don't have to worry about dealing with traffic since I'm not the one who is driving. I just have to make sure that I am on time to the stop or to the station, because it can take a long time for the next bus or train to come by. That can get stressful if you have to be somewhere by a certain time, but that's why I always try to leave early to make sure that I won't miss it. I always double and triple check when my bus or train is supposed to leave, and then try to leave 15-30 minutes ahead of time, just to make sure that I won't be late even if I run into some traffic.