January 15, 2018

I came back from High Sierra on the 14th of December. I really enjoyed my time up there so much, and I really miss the atmosphere that surrounded us up there. There are so many people that made the experiences I had and the memories that I made very special. I miss being able to hang out with them everyday all day. They all made everything more entertaining, and for that I am very grateful. When we first got up to the campus in Bass Lake, I was not very happy. I was five hours away from the home I had known for the past 8 years, my family, and all of my friends. I only knew one person up there, and I tend to be very shy, so I wasn't sure how I would be able to make new friends with only 20 other people there. But, much to my surprise, after Trek 3, I began to feel more at home. I became a lot closer with the people that were on my trek team, and from there I began to open up more to others as the semester went on. Now I am kind of sad that I can't be with them on campus everyday, since I am taking a semester off due to financial situations. But I am hoping that I will be able to make it back for the Summer 2 session or for Fall. If I were to wait and go back in the Fall, I would be graduating a semester later than I would like, but that's okay. As long as I am able to get my degree and get a job that I can survive off of with it, I'm okay. I don't know what has been going on with me lately, but I have been feeling kind of depressed and sad lately. I have just been trying to figure out how I am going to pay all of the bills that I have with the limited amount of income that I have. I have moments that I am okay, and then there are moments that I get really stressed out. I have honestly thought about suicide a few times, but I know that I would never be able to actually at on it. There would honestly be no point to it, but even though I know that my life isn't that bad, I still get this way and have these thoughts for some odd reason. I don't know if it's one of the side affects of the allergy medicine that I take, or one of the signs of mental illness that runs on both sides of my family. Other than that, I have been doing great. I can't drive the car right now because we found out that I am not covered under my parent's insurance, and we are trying to find a good quote for me to be added on to it. Plus, I am looking into either buying or leasing a car of my own, just in case my parents have to get rid of the one that I use. So I have to think about how much that would cost me per month, the payments that I have to make toward my tuition, my cell phone bill, and helping my parents with bills around the house when I can. Not to mention the everyday essentials that I need to buy, and the fact that I need to buy a new pair of sneakers for a 5K and a 10K that I plan on running with a group of friends in March and in April. I am also kind of sad because I feel like a lot of my family and friends are in relationships, and I am still single. I sometimes feel like I will never be in a relationship, and I don't know why.